Pronunciation

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, as boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig and why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers ain't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? Or if the plural of mouse is mice, why isn't the plural of house hice? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible. However, when the lights are out, they are invisible; why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Instructions

If you think that's bad and needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sear's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (I've heard of sleep walking but that's going too far.)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (And you are to get at the how?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (There's an irregular variety?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (Only if you want to though)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(Oops!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(Depending upon your oven presumably)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."(Awww! They take all the fun out of ironing)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."(Looks like I'll have to drive the little tyke to nursery school then...)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (No s**t, Sherlock)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (???)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Which would be...?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Ah, but Peanuts are not nuts, but a member of the pea family, not nuts at all.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (So you're not allowed to flick these ones round the cabin then?)

On a child's superman costume:"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(Shh. Don't tell them that.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Editor's note: I can't comment on this as the tears are blinding me just at the thought.)

Positively negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained. "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However", the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

Masculine or feminine?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil'," she described. "Would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral."

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.

One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because of the following:

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
• They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because of the following reasons:

• No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

WGASA

This one may even be true. It's all over the ibnternet for one reason or another and this is the reason I'd always been given to be true...

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who gives a s**t anyway?"

The rest as they say, is history...

Helpful instructions from people in other countries

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:	LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:	PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome:	SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco:	THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:	COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:	WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:	TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
In a Nairobi restaurant:	CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school:	NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:	TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:	ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:	OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
One of the Mathare buildings:	MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:	DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:	NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery	PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Sign in Japanese public bath:	FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:	GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:	OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:	SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:	IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:	PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure, Italy:	THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:	THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:	PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:	THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:	YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:	YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:	NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland:	SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:	FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
From the "Soviet Weekly":	THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:	A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:	IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:	IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:	BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:	TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:	LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:	TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:	WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:	GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:	SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:	WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:	IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Alternative meanings

Abdicate - v	to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Balderdash - n	a rapidly receding hairline.
Bustard - n	a very rude bus driver.
Carcinoma - n	a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Circumvent - n.	the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Coffee - n	a person who is coughed upon.
Esplanade - v	to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted - adj	appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence - n.	the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Gargoyle - n	an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Lymph - v	to walk with a lisp.
Marionettes - n	residents of Washington, DC who have been jerked around by the former mayor.
Negligent - adj.	describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Oyster - n	a person who sprinkles his conversation withYiddish expressions.
Rectitude - n	the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Semantics - n	pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Testicle - n.	a humorous question on an exam.
Willy-nilly - adj	impotent.