Constructive criticism

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this," said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier. "And will you be working on the house again next week?"

The child thought for a moment then she said seriously: "I think so, provided those wankers at the builder's merchants deliver the f***ing bricks.'

Parent's dark secrets

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate, that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

The watch

Little Johnny goes to scool one day and all day long, his friend, Billy, was looking at his watch.

"Where did you get that?" Johnny asks.

"Well," says Billy, looking really pleased with himself. "The other night I woke up and went to see my parents. When I got in there they were doing weird things and when they saw I was there, they stopped, looking really shocked. They told me if I didn't say anything to anyone, I could have a present." He held up his hand and displayed the watch on his wrist. "And this was it. It's got a chronograph, date and can tell the time in ten different countries."

"Wow!" said Johnny, awfully impressed.

That night, Johnny decided he was going to have a watch too and hopefully, one that was even better than Billy's.

So when his parents went to bed, he waited a while and then quietly snuck into their room.

He was shocked to see what was going on in there, but patiently, he waited for someone to notice him.

"What are you doing?" his father asked.

"I wanna watch," he said adamantly.

"We-ell, alright," said his father. "But be quiet and close the door, there's one hell of a draught in here."

The Exam

A high school teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-arse jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says: "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

Impressions

The first grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do.

Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything.

Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tickles the ivories to rapturous applause...

Next Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delightof the audience.

Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says... "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impressions of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first...

'JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT F**KING TRACTOR!'"

Lipstick on the...

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, Australia was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done and called all the girls to the bathroom, meeting them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are Teachers, and then there are Educators.

Knickers

Little Alice went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them

Mum said, " You should say 'No' - they only want to look at your knickers."

Alice said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag!"