9 Months

Jack decided to go skiing with his friend, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I know the weather's terrible out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay here."

"Not to worry," Jack told her. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, so the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they set off, enjoying a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob. "Do you remember the good looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"

The wonders of modern technology

A man working in a lumber mill had an accident and as a result, lost his arm. The first-aider was there in a flash and after making sure that the injured man was 'comfortable', he picked up the severed arm. He then put the arm in a plastic bag and took both to the local hospital.

Two days later, he went back to the hospital to see after the man’s condition.

"He's outside playing tennis." He was informed.

"Doing WHAT!!?" cried the first-aider.

"Wonders of modern technology," replied the nurse. "Micro-surgery. We stitched his arm back - no problem."

The first-aider left rather befuddled.

It wasn't long before another accident befell the mill and on this occasion, the man lost a leg. The first-aider behaved in much the same way as before putting the limb in a plastic bag and taking it along with the injured party to the hospital. Two days later, he went to visit the man, but was informed that he was outside playing football.

"Doing WHAT!!?" cried the first-aider.

"Wonders of modern technology," replied the nurse. "Micro-surgery. We stitched his leg back on - no problem."

The first-aider went away again.

Not long after, there was a terrible accident. A man lost his head, falling into a machine. Quick as a flash, he put the head into a plastic bag and went with both the man and his separated head to the local hospital. Two days later, he was back asking after the man's health.

"He's dead," the nurse replied.

"What?"

"I'm sorry sir, but he died.”

"What happened to the wonders of modern technology, micro-surgery and all that?"

"Well sir," said the nurse. "Some idiot put his head into a plastic bag."

"So?"

"He suffocated."